Ramblings On. . .

I went to the doctor; all he did was suck blood from my neck. Do not go see Dr.Acula.

-M. Hedberg

I’d like to see a forklift lift a crate of forks. It’d be so dang literal. “Hey, you’re using that machine to its exact purpose!”

-M.Hedberg

It’s Been A while but it’s back today, no gaurantees for next week.

I like to wear “Do-Not-Disturb” signs around my neck so that little kids can’t tell me knock-knock jokes. I’d say “Hey, how you doing, nephew?” “Knock-knock.” “Read the sign, punk!”
M. Hedberg

“The last time I called shotgun, we had rented a limo, so I messed up.”

-M. Hedberg

So I know I’ve missed a couple of weeks so I’ll post another Mitch Hedberg joke

I opened up a yogurt, and underneath the lid it said “please try again” because they were having a contest I was unaware of. But I thought I might have opened the yogurt wrong. Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me. Come on Mitchel, don’t give up, please try again! A message of inspiration from your friends at Yoplait. Fruit on Bottom, Hope on top.

M. Hedberg

I bought a house, it’s a two-bedroom house. But I think it’s up to me how many bedrooms there are, don’t you? This bedroom has an oven in it. This bedroom has a lot of people sitting around watching TV. This bedroom is over in that guy’s house. “Sir, you’ve got one of my bedrooms, are you aware? Don’t decorate it!”

M. Hedberg

“My house is made out of balsa wood. When no one is home across the street, except the little kids, I go out and lift my house up over my head. I tell them to stay out of my yard or I’ll throw it at them.”

-S. Wright

This shirt is “dry-clean only,” which means it’s dirty.”

-M. Hedberg

You know, I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ‘em later.

                           -M. Hedberg

“I went to a general store, but they wouldn’t let me buy anything specific.”-S. Wright