Category Archives: Funny

I went to the doctor; all he did was suck blood from my neck. Do not go see Dr.Acula. -M. Hedberg

I’d like to see a forklift lift a crate of forks. It’d be so dang literal. “Hey, you’re using that machine to its exact purpose!” -M.Hedberg

It’s Been A while but it’s back today, no gaurantees for next week. I like to wear “Do-Not-Disturb” signs around my neck so that little kids can’t tell me knock-knock jokes. I’d say “Hey, how you doing, nephew?” “Knock-knock.” “Read the sign, punk!” M. Hedberg

“The last time I called shotgun, we had rented a limo, so I messed up.” -M. Hedberg

So I know I’ve missed a couple of weeks so I’ll post another Mitch Hedberg joke I opened up a yogurt, and underneath the lid it said “please try again” because they were having a contest I was unaware of. But I thought I might have opened the yogurt wrong. Or maybe Yoplait was tryingContinue reading “Monday’s w/ Mitch part deux”

I bought a house, it’s a two-bedroom house. But I think it’s up to me how many bedrooms there are, don’t you? This bedroom has an oven in it. This bedroom has a lot of people sitting around watching TV. This bedroom is over in that guy’s house. “Sir, you’ve got one of my bedrooms,Continue reading “Monday’s w/ Mitch”

“My house is made out of balsa wood. When no one is home across the street, except the little kids, I go out and lift my house up over my head. I tell them to stay out of my yard or I’ll throw it at them.” -S. Wright

This shirt is “dry-clean only,” which means it’s dirty.” -M. Hedberg

You know, I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.                            -M. Hedberg

“I went to a general store, but they wouldn’t let me buy anything specific.”-S. Wright