Today I have been wrestling with a thought that I just can’t shake. Who am I? I have been thinking about it over and over again. I met with Dennis Finch and he told me that I don’t have to impress anyone. I just have to let Christ live through me. that is a really incredible thought, and I want to be able to do exactly that. But then who am I? Am I supposed to be somebody? Or am I supposed to be who Christ wants to make me? My goals are not as important as his goals, and my dreams are not as important as his kingdom. Over and over again I need to remind myself that I am to give my whole life to Christ and let him run the show.
I wish it were easy. I wish it were fun. But it’s neither. I think there is a process of breaking that Jesus takes pastors through. Where we have a confidence that we believe is coming from him, and we are fairly sure that we can conquer the world. And then as we mature and grow a little bit, we begin to see that we really are not the hot stuff that we want people to believe we are. We are not as great as we thought we were, we are not the people who can inspire the masses just on our charm and our influence. there is a lot more to it than that.
Right now I am wrestling with what the whole thing is all about. We have been working at Creekside for two years and haven’t seen the fruit that I want to see, and the progress that I have been hoping for. We are just working our way through this ministry and I feel like I can’t get things to go the way I want them to. But as i was reminded today, that it’s not what I want that matters. It’s what Christ wants. So the question is, what does he want? What is he preparing us for today? What is he doing in the midst of all of this?
So I’m praying and praying and praying to try to hear what Jesus want, who he wants me to be. Who he wants our students to become. Where he wants to take us. I’ve been listening to When Will I Run by Andrew Osenga. It’s a great song, the Chorus asks, “when Will I Run to the Arms of God?” And so often we run after what we want, and we aren’t running for what God wants for us.
So my prayer is that I can turn around and Run towards the Lord. Run into his arms, and hopefully, prayerfully, I can bring others along with me for the run, so that they too can feel the embrace of the father. So that they too can know how real and loving and good God is. My prayer is that I would find my identity in God and in him alone. that’s my prayer. So the question of who am I is really going to find it’s answer in the Father. Who am I is not just Jason Deuman, Husband of Kathy, Father of Judah, Pastor of Students at Creekside.
Who am I? I am the Father’s Son, the rest is just details.